Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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