drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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