i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
