great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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