What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize