Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
