apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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