I like to think it a success when the cops are called
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
There are leaves in my underwear?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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