As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
