Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
