So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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