So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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