shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize