I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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