I think i peed on brittanys purse
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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