I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
