I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
