im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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