We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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