It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
