That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
