dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
