I haven't been this sober since birth.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
