Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
