6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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