i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
