That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
