Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize