Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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