Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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