Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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