I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
