oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
