Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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