I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
