My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
