I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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