sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
