She's JV to your varsity
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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