i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
