apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
