Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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