Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
