Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
