Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
