Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
