I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize