I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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