Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
