I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
