based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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