just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
