I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
