yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i think i have two assholes
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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