I'm really into asian looking animals
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
