I must be too annoying 4 u.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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