Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
